My bestfriend asked me when my birthday was today. Its my birthday tomorrow. It hurts to know someone doesn’t listern to anything you say unless its something to do with them.

Bestfriend?, i think not. 

She dont give a shit, i dont blame her. 

it just hurts a little.. 

Eat, Sleep and Fall in Love.

Its been a hard few weeks and its my birthday on tuesday.

17 years ago, in the year of 1995, I was born on the 29th of may. I was brought into this world as a baby girl with my whole life ahead of me, but for a while I’ve been thinking of  what my purpose is? I mean, what am I really here for? Some people know what they want out of life, they have dreams and admissions and all i do is think of how and when it will all end.

Is it wrong that I think i shouldn’t have been human, that I’ve been put on earth because of some sort of mistake, an accident. Something inside me is rejecting life and all it has to offer. I’m 17 tomorrow and i have no job ambitions, i cant socialize, I cant TALK to people, I cant fall in love and i see NO future for myself, all i know is i wasn’t meant to be here.

I couldn’t take my own life, i just couldn’t do that to my family… but just because i wont take my life to relieve this pain and sadness doesn’t mean I’m okay, and it doesn’t mean i ever will be.

Mr Friends with benifits claims he loves me, he doesnt know I’ve seen his phone and seen how he’s told more then 5 other girls that there beautiful. Am i being paranoid? Is this my own insecurities shining through.. isit normal for a boy who claims he loves you to tell other girls there beautiful because to me its wrong, its not normal.. but what is normal in my bad excuse for a life anymore. 

I’ve also come to the conclusion that being an adult doesn’t make you an expert on life, it doesnt mean you’ve figured out the correct way to live.. growing older for me is figuring out how to deal with life, how to deal with what we are expected.

We are expected to go to university and get a good job to then get married and have kids.

We are living in a world that preaches about freedom and equality when we live in a society with borders and passports.. where we can’t eat and drink properly without money.

Maybe its just me, but life, human life.. confuses the FUCK out of me.

Eat, Sleep and Fall in Love.

I’m not going to lie, death is something I think about everyday.

I’m scared of it but I have this suspicion i will die soon. I feel like I’m not going to live a adult life.

I see no future and I have no hope.

Nothings okay, I tell Mr friends with benefits that I’m okay, and I’m not, I’m never okay.

Sometimes I think about death being a option to cure my sadness.. I find the thought of not having to suffer this cruel world very satisfying. Lately I’ve been thinking more about what happens after we die.. sounds childish but I’d like the idea of being a ghost, being able to watch over the people I love like some sort of movie. I’m not one to talk to people, at school I tend to stick to myself. Its not because no one will be my friend, i just cant risk anyone to care about me too much if I die, i wouldn’t wish grief upon anyone.. Its a strange way to think, i know. I also have no energy to pretend to be okay to people anymore, NO ONE knows me, not truly. No one knows I contemplate suicide everyday or that I’m trying to starve myself because I’m too big, too fat.

I find it soo hard to starve, hunger literally corrupts my mind and all i think about is food. No ones noticed yet, because when I’m around people I binge. I can’t help it, its like that string of control SNAPS in my head. I know its wrong to say but i admire the self control other people have in order to starve.

Mr friends with benefits knows about my wanting to loose weight but he doesn’t know I’m starving. He doesn’t help at all, he literally puts bad food and alcohol in front of me every time I see him, today I’m planning to say I’ve already eaten before i leave for his house so he doesn’t prepare anything for me, so I’m not tempted. The only thing left is the alcohol, i suppose i could pretend to drink it… 

Schools nearly over for the year, we’re supposed to be moving next week, i wonder and worry about the affect it will have on my relationship with Mr friends with benefits. I wont to move, so much, but it is far from where I live now and transport is unfortunately quite expensive. I don’t have a job, a car or even a driving licence. I know things will be different, but part of me feels I need time away from Mr friends with benefits„ I’m starting to feel disgusting when i leave his house and when I’m trying to find my clothes scattered around his room. Its not fun anymore, no it feels like Its a chore..

He’s not my boyfriend, and i feel like now, i dont want him to be..

I found out that he’s been texting a girl that is (was) a friend of mine the other day, I suppose we’re not together officially so its okay right? I would be okay with it if he didn’t say he loved me.. ” i love you more then you’ll ever know” … he’s sure got a funny way of showing it when he gets my ‘friends’ numbers.

He’s not serious, i know that now. Why do i feel so stuck in a relationship when I’m not even in one?

Eat, Sleep and Fall in Love.